God Bless This Hot Mess

— Faith, flaws, and a whole lot of fumbles.

The story of how a loud, stubborn woman found grace, healing, and a whole lot of divine humor in the middle of her mess.

Author: Kali Kay

from the pages of the — Dirty30Diaries

Let me shout this for the people in the back: I am not your picture-perfect Christian woman. Not even close. Finding my faith wasn’t some peaceful, glowing moment—it was messy, raw, and born during one of the most unhealed chapters of my adult life. But it became the one thing I clung to when everything else fell apart.

From Grace and Grit She's Born

God knows me. He handcrafted me—bold, loud, and stubborn as hell. I don’t fit the mold of a “modern-day Christian” and I’m okay with that. I cuss (working on it), I make mistakes, I’ve held grudges (getting better), and I definitely speak out of turn. I wear cute clothes that some folks might side-eye in the right place and right time, but I grew up in a house where crop tops didn’t belong in church. There were school clothes, church clothes, and play clothes—and that motto still lives rent-free in my head. To this day, I cannot walk into church wearing jeans. Grandma Alice would be so proud.

But here’s the thing:

God knows exactly who I am. And while I’ll probably never be a pastor, I can be a preacher. I love God. I love learning about Him. I shape my week around church, and my friends will tell you that’s not an exaggeration. I do the best I can with what I’ve got. I learn, I grow, and I try to get a little better every day. Sharing how faith has shaped my life—through the sane and the slightly insane—is my way of honoring that journey. Nobody has to get it but me and God. He’s the man with the plan, and I’m just trying to hold His hand while He drags me through my stubbornness. Honestly, He’s leading the dumb, deaf, and blind with me—and I’m okay with that. Because His way? Always better than mine. And when I try to shortcut the process, He lovingly sits me in spiritual time-out until I’m ready to listen again. Sometimes in the most unhinged ways.

Funny thing about God:

You can run, but you can’t hide. You can sprint from your purpose like you’re in the Olympics, and He’ll let you—but then He’ll Apple Maps your detour right back to where you were supposed to be. And when you realize it? You’ll be mad, then you’ll laugh, then you’ll cry, and finally you’ll just be at peace knowing you can’t outrun what’s meant for you. God is patient, loving, and always ready to show you the way. Sometimes you just have to fumble a little before you find your footing. Me? I fumble a lot. No shame in my game.

I fell away from God at 15. I always believed He existed, but I didn’t trust Him. I've had a lot of really bad things happen to me since I was young, and it drastically challenged the way I viewed my world. Still, every time the “oh crap” lights came on, guess who I prayed to? Yup. And the loving God He is, He always showed up.

Fast forward to 2022:

God placed two unhealed people into a relationship that had no business happening (at that time) —but it did. And that man, as unhealed as he was, would be the one who brought me back to God. He taught me more about faith in two years than I learned in 15 years of church. He didn’t know it, but he was setting me up for the storm that was coming. God used him to build my foundation and lead me to a home church that became my safe haven for the next year and a half.

God gives us what we need, not what we want. He places the right people in our lives at the right time. That man needed a love that challenged him, pushed him, and showed him every shade of himself—and still chose him. A love that felt like home. The type of unconditional love that, no matter how many times you screw up, run away, or hurt, it still loves you back. A love that doesn't judge, is kind, and makes you have to be a better version of yourself. That kind of love is life-changing, even if you’re not ready for it.

Me? I needed faith. The kind of faith that holds you when everything’s falling apart. The kind that walks with you through the dark when you can’t see the light. The kind that heals the wounds you buried deep because you never gave yourself permission to feel them. The kind that wakes you up—mind, body, and soul—and sparks change you never saw coming. The kind of faith that will have you mad and screaming, crying, and laughing. The type of faith that even if you wanted to not feel it, you can't turn it off. It just makes too much damn sense, when nothing else makes sense at all.

Unfortunately, that man, he wasn’t ready for the love or the blessing he was given, but I will always thank him because he gave me mine. I’ll never forget the morning he asked me to go to church with him., let me tell you it took some coaxing, and I was pretty unsure. Honestly it wasn't until after that I even went consistently, but for some reason it was one part of our routine I refused to let go. I’ll never stop thanking God for bringing him into my life, because even through the heartbreak, he taught me lessons I’ll carry forever. One of the biggest? You have to love yourself first. Heal the broken parts before you try to love someone else. Hurt people hurt people—even if they don’t mean to. But healthy people? They heal others. And sometimes, God brings two unhealed souls together just to ignite the healing they need to do on their own. I don't know maybe down the road we'll cross paths again, a lot more healed and healthy all on our own. Sometimes you can meet the right people, in the wrong season. The thing about seasons is they always have a way of coming back around, changed and with the ability to start over fresh.

While I’ll never claim to be a perfect Christian, I will say this:

This last year and a half has been the most transformative season of my life. I’ve always loved words and books (hello, photographic memory), but diving into the Bible and actually applying it to my life has brought me more peace and wisdom than I ever imagined. Surrounding myself with like-minded people, building a routine of devotionals, prayer (sometimes rants), gratitude, and quiet time has changed me from the inside out.

I hope sharing my journey in faith brings you comfort, laughter, and maybe even a little clarity. Because good works? They’re meant to be shared.

— Until Next Time, Kali Kay

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